something happened

i was sitting at a table and someone was talking about henry miller and bukowski, he said something about going into small bookstores and seeing who is being sold, and henry miller and bukowski is being sold, and he said something about that; he said also that he was tired of thinly-veiled autobiographies and self-indulgent movies where the people just make movies about themselves

he said the thing almost everyone seems to say, which is variations on 'at first it was cool and interesting but now it's just like okay, that's enough, it's annoying now' which i have never related to

if i like something i want more of it, i want everything to be like that, and it does not get 'annoying' and it is never 'enough'

if jean rhys wrote five more 'good morning, midnights' i don't think i would ever say something like 'it was good the first three times but then it was like, come on, can't you do anything else, make something up' (actual quote from the henry miller person i think); i would be like 'yes, i like this; since i like this i want more, thank you'

~

i feel calm indifference to human beings lately, i feel calm blogging to an abstract audience rather than communicating with specific human beings; i think something happened and i don't feel as many desperate emotions lately, maybe it is just a loss of desperation and not 'indifference,' yes i think that is it; mostly i just feel like eating raw food or steamed vegetables and other healthy foods for some reason and also avoiding obligations and also trying not to put pressure on other people and make them have obligations and listening to music; i dislike being in groups, it is only useful i think if you have someone in that group who will dislike the group with you and whisper with you so you can have stronger bonds with that person, but then i feel like an asshole if i do that

with three people it is almost impossible for anything exciting to be communicated, from my experience; when groups of people start hanging out they start saying things like that henry miller person i talked about did and if i'm in the group i'll agree just to avoid endless interminable arguments that are just matters of semantics, for example arguing about what a 'hipster' is; i dislike groups, i've only ever communicated in a way i like in situations with just one other person; if i'm in a group i only do things and say things to avoid interminable sentences from being said or to amuse myself; if i'm in a group of three people i spend the entire time making sure none of the other two people 'feel left out,' the anxiety and pressure is a lot, and usually they don't feel bad if i 'feel left out' so i just don't say anything and begin hating myself and thinking how can i ever relate to a person who also does not feel intense anxiety and pressure that someone else might 'feel left out' and telling myself i will never hang out in a group of three again; sometimes it can be okay though if i know both people well and have the power to speak in a way that involves everyone due to common interests and sense of humor or something

~

i think to sell books you need to target hipsters, they read books; how you target hipsters though i'm not sure, i think to target hipsters you should write about yourself, you should not comment on politics, foreign cultures, and it should have a depressed affect with sarcasm to make dramatic moments smaller and more amusing; i don't think i know any hipsters, i just tried to think if i knew any and i don't think i know any, i think i only consider people who i have only looked at and not spoken to hipsters

i dislike intolerance of art, when people say something without a goal is good or bad; i dislike when people praise other people for their 'impeccable taste'; that is really just saying 'i am so good and everything i like is also the best therefore if you also like what i like we are really good and the best'; or i'm not sure if i 'dislike' that; i have been losing the ability to dislike something, if i 'dislike' something i just process the fact of it and the situation ends there, it's not like i want to destroy it or hit it or something, it is just there and i am here

~

this post is like real blogging, i hope it is okay; i wanted something to do where i can listen to music and not think too much and type many sentences i will later use in other things maybe where i will think more

~

this text is part of a blog post - the complete post including comments can be found here: who is buying my books?

~

words: Tao Lin, NY (reader of depressing books)
photo: Dorothee Lang, Germany (blueprint21)