A Diagram of Ninth Days
Last night I had a dream that I discovered Mike had been seeing someone else for the past two years. She was visiting when I found out and I went crazy and shouted and threw a few things at him, and his response was basically to make out that I was the one being unreasonable.
I went out onto Leith Walk. Took off my shoes because they were hurting me and walked up the hill in my socks. Early on I passed by a girl who was also in her socks and carrying her shoes. I tried to give her a smile of solidarity but she blanked me.
I started looking for somewhere to eat and so did this other girl, and at the same moment we discovered an Italian place that also had an Ethiopian food section, and we went in together, without conferring. I felt comfortable with her right away. The Italian woman in charge of the place was quite dismissive when I said I wanted to try Ethiopian food, but the guys who actually cooked it were enthusiastic. The girl had a lot of things in common with me. I think she looked kind of like Janeane Garofalo, which is no bad thing. I started to wonder whether she might be into girls, and tried to put aside my sad, hurt feelings about Mike.
When I woke up I told him about the start of my dream, because dreams affect me and I feel sad for a while after I've had a sad dream. So I was hoping for simple reassurance. I didn't get it. He got upset and said that things were not okay, that they haven't been okay for a long time. I knew this. I just wanted to know that it wasn't like in my dream.
I did not want to start my day like that. I decided not to bother getting out of bed just yet. There was no point.
This is what I should do. I should go back to Vienna and stay with Uli, even though that city is fucking freezing. And then go on to Prague just because I can. I could stay with Steven if he's still around. It helps that he once stayed in my cupboard for a few nights back in 2001, before I moved in with Mike.
Anyway, I'd need to wait till Monday and find out about getting time off work. I just like the idea of travelling randomly, taking whatever options are suggested to me.
Things with Mike are still hard. There is this total atmosphere of silence and sadness. I don't know how to make it better. It fucks with my day: I got up late again, and I had been planning to do stuff, but I wake up and I feel like what's the point. Our problems regularly cause me to lose out on a lot of energy and constructive things I would otherwise be doing.
At the moment the pledge to resurrect my social life has been going very well and it's like I have a pleasant conveyor belt of social options. Last night I met up with Oliver and we went to Planet Out which I hadn't been to for over a year. It was packed. I saw Disco Dale and possibly my director of studies from when I did Spanish. I didn't really see anyone I fancied. I am on the lookout for candidates.
I like when my tattoo feels like it's been embossed for no apparent reason.
Robin is away snowboarding in Austria so I am practising living alone. So far it's working just fine.
That flat I lost out on in Leven Street has raised my standards impossibly. I can't bid on a flat that's just 'nice', now.
I looked out my kitchen window yesterday morning and saw a squirrel on top of the bungalow outside, and the next thing I knew I had a modified Thin Lizzy song in my head going "there's a squirrel on the roof again, a lady squirrel on the roof", before it segued into Smoke On The Water.
I'm actually feeling really good and have been for several days now. I saw Mike on Friday. Unfortunately he is not dealing with things as well as I am, which is odd when you consider that he was the one who ended it. But I guess he isn't so much my responsibility any more. Still, I wish I could hug him and kiss him. But I'm busy and happy and everything is good.
Next time I get my hair cut, I'm drawing them a diagram.
While I was home, my mother said to me, "I was really unkind to you that time in Cambridge, and I'm very sorry." This was a reference to when I came out to her. I gave her a hug and said it was okay and that she'd never expected to have to deal with things like this.
Subtle graffiti on the steps outside a sauna: ARE YOU HAPPIER NOW?
I don't actually feel like getting off with people currently, because I don't believe that anything is likely to top the weekend I just had.
Statistics: I have gotten off with 15 people since the break-up, which sounds more than acceptable. Also, Ryan made me count last night how many nationalities I've been with, and I thought of 20. Nobody actually needs to know this sort of thing, but it's probably valuable information for future drinking games.
I went for a networking visit at a women-only drop-in centre, and afterwards, I backed the work car into a parked one and heard an almighty crack. Fuck my jazz parking. Everything looked okay at a quick glance, so I didn't do anything about it. I am awful.
Good news: I am getting a pet for my new home! Dougie is supplying me with a giant African landsnail. Ryan said I should call it Stephanie.
I am so utterly missing my bizarre love triangle.
Half of my living-room walls are now white. I put on a second coat of paint by myself yesterday. It is very much a work in progress but already it feels like quite an improvement, even though there is plenty more to be done. (After enough white has been put on, one wall will be painted silver and the rest bright yellow.) Neal is crashing on the futon for a while and has offered to do some painting also. Luke is supposed to help me do the bookcase walk tomorrow, assuming it isn't pissing down. I haven't got in touch with Mike yet.
So I got my bookcase and suitcases and boxes from Mike's and now, finally, there is nothing left to get. All my possessions are contained within this flat, and although it's something of an obstacle course right now, this is good.
It was weird to see him. I hugged him and gave him a bag which I had never used but had taken away with me purely out of spite when I moved out (well, it was mine. It was just that he used it). He had apparently got a new tattoo today. I didn't see it. I have no idea how he's doing except that he has made vague references to things being a bit difficult, and a week and a half ago he told me again how much he misses me.
He really is a very sweet, well-intentioned person, which is abundantly clear whenever I see him. It's just that he also has Issues. I could be patronising and suggest that he never got over his teen angst. But perhaps he really didn't. Anyway, I wished him happy birthday, and will now continue not having contact with him.
This morning, after pathetic sleep, I went to the dentist for PAIN and SUFFERING but it was actually okay and now it is all over. Also, the dental nurse is h0tt. I've been thinking about this for a while. And I'm sure I must, in turn, look really suave when I'm lying back in the chair trying not to drool.
The last few days have been all about eggs benedict.
words: Nine, travelling long-term (Abyssinia, Henry)
image: 'Vienna' - Dorothee Lang, Germany (life as a journey)
another life diagram: Studies in Windows (#24)